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Fun with Spam

Lately I seem to be receiving more than my fair share of those awful/wonderful Nigerian Business Proposal scam letters. An example of Advanced Fee Fraud, it is also known as the "419 Scam" referring to the section of Nigerian criminal code on fraud schemes. I was astonished to find out that as much as $100 million dollars are handed over by gullible folks who think this is a real deal. Not me, no way. I figure anyone who thinks they are going to complete an international business transaction with the contents of my bank account has got to be seriously deluded. Cripes, by my calculations I owe money on my 401(k). So while my monthly bank statement makes me cry, these Nigerian Business letters have become a a strange little source of amusement.

 

The first of these letters was pretty straightforward. A DR Chucks Williams writes:

Subject: Business Proposal

Dear Sir/Madam
I am DR Chucks Williams, director of procurement and contracts with Nigeria national petroleum corporation (NNPC). I have decided with my director general in office to contact you quickly on this business of transferring the sum of us$20,500,000.00(twenty million,five hundred thousand united states dollars only)into a foreign bank account.The need is very urgent. I got your contact from Nigerian chambers of commerce and it is with business trust that made me to contact you in this matter. I write to solicit for the transfer of this money into your account.This money was generated from an over-invoiced contract sum in my corporation (NNPC)we have generally agreed that 20%of this said fund is for you as compensation for using your bank account in transfering this money.10% should be for all expenses made for this business,while70%is for us.

Please note that we will arrange to meet you immediately after successful conclusion of this transfer.The 70% share of ours will be used for investment overseas.Your assistance and cooperation is highly needed.I assure you that this business is 100% risk free and as such you should not entertain any fear in dealing with us.

Should this interest you,we will require a nominated banking infomation as mentioned below that shall be use to facilitate the transfer of this fund.
1. A NOMINATED BANK NAME AND ADDRESS
2. NAME TO BE USED AS BENEFICIARY
Contact me on the above on the telephone number and e-mail address and we hope to conclude this business within 14 working days.
Please while writing to me dont forget to include your personal telephone and fax numbers, for easy and quicker communication.

I anticipate your urgent positive reply.
Best regards,
DR.CHUCKS WILLIAMS

Well, as hard as this was to turn down, after all I do have DR Chucks assurance that it is risk-free, I felt my qualifications might be jeopardized by my lack of personal fax number.

And the offers started pouring in. I get one or two of these letters a week. Following is a list of links to my favorites from the last couple of months:

1. DR Chucks Williams who is still anticipating my urgent positive reply

2. Mrs.Mariam Abacha (SAN) who had the unfortunate lack of judgement to be a lawyer for a dead deposed dictator and is now stuck with an awful lot of defaced cash. I guess God gave her my email address.

3. Jesse and Johnson, Zimbabwean cousins who have quite a tragic tale, but alarmed me with their eagerness to use me as a lunch-pad for them in their quest for freedom. They go on to say "Our preferred area of investment is farming but should you have a deviation as to what the funds should be invested into, considering profitable investment opportunities in your country, we shall have no objections." I'm not sure this country needs any more deviant funding, but I know a couple of perfomance artists who might disagree.

4. Mr. Nnamdi Ozobia Lucky who placed his confidence in me because of my reputation as a musician and dancer. Scary.

5. DR Ahmed Musa, a man with Conscience who believes in helping the poor, the motherless and the needy and who also hopes I will be a transparent and considerate partner. This one is particularly interesting because not only do you get unbelievably rich, you get to stick it to Saddam Hussain as well.

6. Who Is This Massiah To Be Trust You gotta love this letter. I left the returns and spacing as I received them because it read like some sort of horrific contemporary poetry. We also see the reappearance of Gen Sani Abacha, a recurring character in the drama. I never did figure who the Massiah was.

7. Mr. Boniface Owelede writes: "I got your contact address from the Girl who operates my computer, I am revealing this to you with believe in God that you will n! ever let me down in this business, you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently." We also like the random use of punctuation which does much to convey the urgent nature of his urgent request.

8. Raymond Dabby doesn't waste an iota of bandwidth on this one.

9. From The Sick Bed of... This letter addressed to Uncle Bill himself begins:
DEAREST Bill Sapsis,
IN A MATTER OF FACT, WE HAVE NOT COME TO KNOW EACHOTHER VERY WELL.BUT BECAUSE OF MY BELIEVE AND TRUST IN GOD, I AND YOU CAN ACHIEVE THIS GOLD TOGETHER.

For more information on Nigerian Business Proposal Scams check out
http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blnigeria.htm
and US Secret Service Financial Crimes Division
http://www.treas.gov/usss/financial_crimes.shtml

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